Welcome in everyone. My name is Ned. N…E…. D.” Ned whispers.

“I’m a full time ASMR artist, and a part time Uber driver. I like to have conversations with people on live, and give some advice about life. Life…. Life…. lifelifelifelife.” He speaks slowly, pronouncing each syllable with care. 

@prowdpatriot comments: fat peice of sh!t 

@astronutt comments: di3

@lizerdking69 comments: yur moms at my house 

Ned reads them and sighs, but does not engage.

“If anyone…wants…to ask…. some questions…. I can answer them….” He strokes the microphone with his left hand, his uncut fingernails packed with dark brown goo, making a swooshing sound while he sips his beer. A thick steel band on his ring finger is present in the shot. 

@pixiedrmgrl comments: ur married? 

Ned pauses.

“Yes, I am married.” He whispers. The comments attack:

@pixiedrmgrl comments: what does she look like? 

@prowdpatriot comments: she fat fer sur

@lizerdking69 comments: yur mom is fat

Ned continues. He checks the viewer count. He feels a thrill. 

“She’s beautiful.” Ned whispers into the mic. She was fat, but Ned didn’t want to say so, and he did think she was beautiful. The screen populates with a few hearts from people liking the stream. His excitement builds. 

@pixidrmgrl comments: whr is she? Get her so we kn see

Ned exhales, but doesn’t want to lose the momentum. He has climbed to twenty-four viewers, which is high for this early in the night. The only other time it was this high was when a group of teenagers (he assumed) all joined his live at the same time to call him slurs he had to search for meaning on urban dictionary later. 

“Well, actually. We’re separated right now. Just taking some time apart. But she’ll be back soon.” 

@prowdpatriot comments: new it 

@prowdpatriot comments: she left you fat fuj 

Ned feels himself getting defensive but tries to remain calm. He is a performer after all. 

“Proud Patriot, she did not leave me. We’re just separated. She’s confused and needs some time apart.” He realizes he is not whispering, and pauses to take a few steadying breaths. 

“Marriage is hard.” Ned whispers with purpose, taking the last sip of his beer. He finishes the first can, then cracks a second one into the microphone, emphasizing the pop, and allowing the sound to catch the fizz of the foam—something he’d thought of himself.

@prowdpatriot comments: I’m hard n yur wife looser 

@pixidrmgirl comments: :,(

Viewers begin to click out. Neds’ mood dims. His wife had left him, for a woman that she now lived with. They met at work. Ned had met her multiple times before he knew about the affair. He just thought they were good friends. 

“Does anyone have a question?” Viewers trickle out still. He pets the microphone.

“Question…. question…question?” Gulps from the can, he’s already downed the last drops of his second, swiftly cracking the third with haste. After chugging, he releases a loud, wet belch into the microphone. 

@prowdpatriot comments: i do 

@prowdpatriort comments: call your wife a hor 

Ned leans in to reads, then shakes his head.

“Please Proud Patriot, that’s not a question. And my wife is not that.” He grows frustrated, wondering if he should just end the live and call it a night. 

@lizerdking69 comments: do it 

@astronutt comments: ya

@lizerdking69 comments: ill give you a bouqet 

Ned continues to read the comments, pausing as he sees @lizerdking69’s. A bouquet is twenty dollars to go directly to him, which is more than he’s ever made on his account (nothing). He did his best not to entertain the thought as he finished off his third beer. 

“I’m sorry, Lizard King. I don’t want my account to get banned.” He whispered. 

@prowdpatriot comments: we won't report u

@lizerdking69 comments: dont be a b!tch

@lizerdking69 comments: I have my card out rn 

@lizerdking69 comments: just say it

The viewer count begins to pick up again. Ned looks to the wedding picture hanging up behind him in the room.

@astronutt comments: wat r u looking at 

He swivels in his executive chair back to face the camera, staring down the image of himself in his phone. 

@prowdpatriot comments: r u gonna do it pusy 

@astronutt comments: nah he’s soft 

Is he pathetic? Is he holding onto a false dream that his wife will return to him? He had done everything he could. He’d been loyal and worked hard and even gone to couples therapy. But still she fell out of love with him. Why is he holding onto her? The divorce papers were sitting unsigned on his kitchen table.

Ned found David Goggin’s memoir on his desk, Can’t Hurt Me under a pile of empty Wingstop containers and greasy Taco Bell bags. He recalls a line:

“Give pain a shape. Absorb its power. Because you’re about to flip that shit.” 

Ned leans into the microphone, pausing for dramatic effect, and then—

“Whore.” He whispers. 

A bouquet of flowers appears on the screen. Twenty dollars. Ned pumps a fist into the air—a huge milestone for him. The viewership grows. Thirty-seven accounts are watching his in the moments after his expletive. 

@lizerdking69 comments: yur the man ned

@prowdpatriot comments: that’s right boiii!!! fuk her

@lizerdking69 comments: she doesnt deserve u ned 

Ned cracks open his fourth beer, reading the comments and nodding in agreement. He rips the ring off his finger, feeling powerful for the first time in months. With the adrenaline of the moment, he shoots up from the desk and heads for the kitchen, to celebrate with more beer.

Back on his phone screen, @pixidrmgirl comments:

Aw ned..ur just like all the rest