MEGAN E. O’LAUGHLIN

Ashland MFA Candidate

BAD AIR

She left a few hours ago, and while the desire to pray over her body hangs like fog, the time to move has nearly passed. We cannot clean her body, for we know it could make us similarly ill. Her vessel is empty of who she was: vacant of her lilting voice, that merry hum while she worked, the busy flutter of her hands, never ceasing to fidget and fix, but for those weeks when time formed anew—five days is impossibly only an hour— and she laid in fever, covered in sores, her breath a ragged cry that grew fainter each day until it set like the sun. We cover her in a cloth. Her form grows stiff and cold. We put her to rest as she once did for us.

I have felt repelled by her. With shame, I admit the disgust clung to me for days, but I must remember she is not there; she departed with that last ragged breath, too spent for fear or joy for whatever will happen next. We will walk through the streets to find where the digger broke the earth, and there she will stay forever. At least what is left of her.

Like her, I will now flutter and fix. I clean the air in the house to save us from death, the same herbs the doctor administered to her wrists and neck, only too late. Now we breathe in smoke from the wrapped thatch of leaves to save us:

Warm clove to dispel death’s cold breath
Lemon peel to gladden the day
Cinnamon comfort for the those still alive in this exhausted house
Rosemary to purify the air of its sickness  

I pray for her soul now, her body deep below. I ignore the small wish to go with her—-away from this world of decay, where no leaf, seed, or flower is powerful enough to erase the stench of death that hangs over us all. Instead of succumbing to that small voice, I hum as I work. It’s her voice coming through me, as clear and merry as it used to be.

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MEGAN E. O'LAUGHLIN IS A PSYCHOTHERAPIST, NONFICTION WRITER, AND MFA CANDIDATE AT ASHLAND UNIVERSITY. HER WORK HAS APPEARED IN CLEAVER MAGAZINE, ANTI-HEROIN CHIC, DEFUNKT MAGAZINE, AND OTHERS. SHE LIVES BY THE SEA IN WASHINGTON STATE WITH HER SPUNKY CHILD, SPOILED DOGS, AND SURFING SPOUSE. YOU CAN FIND HER AT MEGANOLAUGHLIN.COM